Getting through

2026-08-01

Hey there, it's Bambuko again.
A month of vacation has passed too fast. Time flies by too quickly.

To be honest, I don't think I got enough rest since the break started. On the outside I appear fine, but on the inside it's getting harder and harder to keep that facade. And I don't know why I'm doing this, it's just automatic.

I mostly don't put much thought into these entries, but maybe this time it'll be different, maybe a little bit more messy, but at least true to myself.

To start with, I feel like I'm not doing enough for my future self. I could study maths or generally do school stuff where I fall behind, but instead I'm just sitting there and "living" day by day, working on stuff I like. I feel like I should deny myself doing that and focus on the "important" things. Fucking hate this, I can't properly focus on one thing because of my thoughts flooding my brain.

Sometimes I want just to give up and disappear. Not in this kind of way. Though these thoughts happened to show up too.

Overstimulation takes a big part in all of this too. And I hate it. Like, I can't spend a whole day with my friends and later function normally even if I'd like to. It's frustrating to say at least. My thought process doesn't work the way it should, and it's very hard to navigate through it. It's hell.

All of this really takes a toll on my "productivity".
Sometimes I use coding as an escape from all of this. Just to give me some space, to "reset" my mind a little.
How long will this work? I have no fucking idea, but at least I'm doing something.

I sometimes feel like I'm caring too much about people. I'm giving my full self without thinking I would get anything back, and that is the case most of the time. I just wish people would care about me the way I do for them, but I guess it's kind of impossible. All of this contributes to my mental state, which slowly starts to crumble again.

It's funny that even though I'm trying to care for my tomorrow me, I'm only making things worse.

Fuck.

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