My Diary...

[21:35 27-05-2025]

It stabilized. Finally. At least it looks like it.
I think I'll go update the website soon :D Until then, I'm briefly going to share what has happened. So in short, I just uhhhh... let's say I just got really sick for now. That made me skip like a half month worth of school. Now I need to get myself back up and running. It won't be easy, but what is in life? I finally have the energy to do what I want, not what I force myself to do. And that's why I'm fully getting back to programming and why this page will still be updated. So uhh, forget what I said in the previous entry, I'm not abandoning this site. Not yet :>

[19:45 19-05-2025]

Here I am, still living through whatever life throws at me. My laptop got back from repair, they are waiting for the parts to arrive. So until then, I can still use my laptop but without the USB ports. Back to the topic, it only got worse. I haven't been hospitalized yet, but I think it's just a matter of time. Today I got back from school early. My dad picked me up because I unexpectly passed out in class. Well, it definitely wasn't in my plans. Well, now that I won't go on the class trip, I'll have more time to focus on myself and maybe other things. I was thinking of shutting down the website or just leaving it be. We'll see what happens I guess.

[15:30 09-05-2025]

Today I met with a friend which I haven't seen in a while. He works in a cybersecurity company. It is pretty important, because I'm aspiring to become a ethical hacker at some point. He gave me some good tips regarding what can I do in my near future, considering next year I'm having internship, and if I don't want to do volountary work I'll need to find a company which offers internship. He knows a lot of people, so I think that if I get his support, I'll be able to find one with no problem. At least I hope so.
My mood hasn't changed since yesterday. It just taken another form, mostly anger but with no energy to express it. I want to live no matter what, but if this continues, I just don't think I'll manage.

[18:40 08-05-2025]

After a high there must come a crash sooner or later.
And it just did.
I went on a trip to Prague with my family. It was nice, I saw some interesting places, but I couldn't fully enjoy my time there. I just uhhh... let's say I wasn't feeling well psychically. It's just the way I am.
I dunno what to write more, I just want a hug.

[10:50 30-04-2025]

What can I say, I'm feeling great right now. Maybe too well. I don't know how I can describe what I'm going through. It's like I'm on 5 cups of coffee and a whole pack of sugar. By that I mean super irritable and with a lot of energy. You could say that it's good that I have a lot of energy, but it's getting very uncomfortable. I'm worried that there will come a time, where I won't be able to control myself and hurt somebody. Those mood swings are getting tiring. Also, you might wonder why I'm trying to not make any grammar or syntatic mistakes when I'm writing: I don't fucking know, it's just the aesthetics I guess. Also, about that high energy: I need to resist the urge to start a lot of projects because I feel like it, because I know that when energy levels will go down, I won't ever finish them. By the way, I don't know why I started listening on repeat to "Manic" by Plumb. I just can't stop. The music, the lyrics - all hit on how I'm feeling.
Don't know what to write more, so see ya or something ig.

[21:50 27-04-2025]

The spring break ended 4 days ago or so. It was not the worst, but it could be much better. To be honest, I just spent most of it just sleeping. I don't consider is as an achievement, but maybe that's what I needed. I'm starting to feel better. About programming, I'll get back to it eventually, but right now I'm not feeling like I want to code. I'll probably write more soon, or something I don't really know.
Stay safe out there.

[13:50 15-04-2025]

It got better since last time I wrote here. It's not the best, but I can manage. The spring break is coming and I'm planning to use it as much as I possibly can. I don't have free time to waste by just doing nothing. I mean, doing nothing sometimes can be better than doing something, but not in the situation I'm in right now. I started a new project like two days ago with my friend NeonFlames. It's not a game, I'm trying to take a break from making those. I've written a blog post about it, so if you are reading this, go check it out! Gamedev in today's world is getting harder and harder every year, at least from my experience. But what can I do about it? My only option is to try and not give up so easily. That's all for now I guess, see ya in the future.

[8:50 11-04-2025]

Uhh let's say that life isn't going the way I wanted it to. Still, I'm trying to do my best. I'm not feeling well, it's like I have mania and depression at the same time. I haven't felt that way before. If you are worried about me, don't. It probably won't change anything.
To be honest, it gets worse if I get tired. That is mostly why when I write something here, it's quite darker or just plain sad. I don't know what to write actually. I'm just feeling tired, misunderstood, sad and irritated.
It's painful. I have the energy to function, but not for doing anyting else. That's mostly why I haven't picked up any projects yet. My mood can change by 180 degrees in a matter of a week or two.
If this would be the last thing I ever wrote, I'm really sorry it ended that way.

[21:50 08-04-2025]

I got an idea how to get an idea for a new game.
It's pretty simple actually, I'll just go participate in a gamejam.
When school becomes a little bit easier of course...

[16:50 08-04-2025]

I definitely have a problem with myself.
I can't pick a task and stick with it for at least 30 minutes.
I'm not sure what the problem is.
I'll try to focus more, but I don't know what to pick upon.

[14:20 08-04-2025]

It's definitely better now than the previous day.
I'm no longer irritated as I was before.
I don't know if I should write here so often.
One thing to note, I'm a bit of a perfectionist. That probably means that I will not post everything that happens to me here.
I don't want random people to know everything about me. That would be just plain stupid, sharing all of that info.
Anyways, I'll probably go upgrade the page or something, or start a new project.
Either way, I still need to take school into consideration.

[22:50 07-04-2025]

It was a very long day tbh.
Not like it was productive or anything, I was just existing. Filled with emotions and racing thoughts, irritation grew.
I don't know why I still exist here, I'm feeling like an anomaly.
(note to myself, why I got poetic or shit, I'll just continue)
Sleep deprivation is kicking in, I'll go to bed soon. Untill then, I'll prepare for what's coming in the next day or so.
Good night...

Here is my diary
I'll update it from time to time, probably every week or two.
It can contain sensitive topics, included but not limited to: suicude thoughts, mental ilnesses, just about anything I'm going through.
So if you don't want to see it, don't look here and go BACK.